Trying to figure it out

Everyone comes to a point where they have to take a hard look at their commitments. I've always been the kind of guy that enjoyed keeping lots of irons in the fire. But with a baby on the way, the reality of Fatherhood is daunting. I mean, how do I continue things like Small Group, Encounter rehearsals, and just plain hanging out with friends?

There's no doubt in my mind that I'm in for a major paradigm shift! I'm just struggling to figure it all out. I made these commitments because I felt that I had something to offer; that I was doing what God had intended me to do. I guess I have some difficult decision to make. At the heart of the decision is a question that I'm not ready to answer..."what am I willing to sacrifice?"

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."

Update to "Nightmare"

After stewing about it all night, I decided the best solution to deal with Mr. Harlan Tannenbaum's grossly inappropriate comments yesterday was to send a strongly-worded letter to all 4 offices of his agency (PA, NJ, DE and NY).

To Whom It May Concern:

My wife and I attended the adoption open house event at Babies ‘R’ Us on Nov. 17th 2007 and spoke with a representative of your agency, Mr. Harlan Tenenbaum. We let him know that been working with another agency for some time now, and were shocked and appalled by his insensitivity and unprofessionalism as he asked us for details regarding the cost of our adoption and details of our infertility. Instead of offering us congratulations on a day that was supposed to celebrate adoption, he rattled off statistics about the supply vs. demand of domestic infants and suggested that we may require “serious psychological counseling” should we decide to decorate the nursery before the baby arrives. At one point, he actually told us that adoption was all really all about marketing.

We were irate when we left the store, and subsequently contacted the store manager and the event coordinator to voice our utter disbelief that such an individual would represent your agency. Babies R Us assured us that he will never be back and they apologized for his unprofessionalism. He apparently had decided to discuss something completely different that what was disclosed to the event coordinator.

All I can say is thank God for the agency that we’re working with, because what we saw of Adoption House based on Mr. Tenenbaum was a process devoid of any compassion, respect, or love. If adoption is a cold, economic process dependent mainly on marketing, then God help anyone who should consider your agency!

Nightmare!

Babies 'R' Us were had an "Adoption Day" today! It was designed as a way to celebrate adoptive parents and provide useful information as we wait for our little one. Amy and I were impressed and grateful that someone recognized the often-overlooked adoptive parents, and we headed to the store with great excitement! I couldn't have imagined the pain, humiliation, anger and heart-wrenching agony that would follow...

We arrived to greet a very warm and friendly event coordinator named Caroline. She welcomed us and introduced us to Harlan Tennenbaum, the Director of Adoption House (a local secular adoption agency). We sat down for a little chat...

He asked us where we were in the process, and we told him that we're with Bethany and have completed the Home Study process. We're basically just waiting for our profile to be shown to birth mothers and hopefully be matched sometime soon. He launched into a tirade about statistics and waiting lists. He told us that anyone that decorated a baby nursery at this stage would need "serious psychological counseling." He warned us about the number of families nationwide that wanted children and explained that the demand is far greater than the supply of infants. He actually said, "it really all comes down to marketing..."

I was already growing uncomfortable when he launched into the most serious offense: He began asking us how much we were paying for the adoption. He asked about our infertility; what we tried and what the diagnosis was, and why we didn't consider IVF. We were shocked and hurt. He had no business asking us such personal questions! It was unprofessional, insensitive, and absolutely uncontionable.

We told him that we just wanted a car seat and walked away. Amy began to shake cry. We didn't know whether to talk to a manager or confront him directly, but his behavior was NOT okay. I realized, of course, that if I spoke to him again, there was a good chance that loud obscenities would spew forth from my mouth, so we did the next logical thing...we left. We bought the cart seat at Target and we called the manager once we got back home and had some time to cool off.

The store was very sympathetic. Apparently this fellow had certain things that he was to discuss, and he went totally off script in "advising" us. They promised me that they would not have him back at the store and they will investigate the matter with the agency that he represents. In our case, the damage has been done, but I feel good knowing that he wouldn't hurt anyone else today, and we learned that we should have shut him down the instant that he began probing into such personal matters.

Education Class

Amy and I both took off work today to attend an all-day education class for all Bethany families. It seems like it would be a long time to sit and discuss adoption, but so many questions were answered and information affirmed that it really gave me a better understanding of what was involved.

My favorite part of the day was a birth mother panel, where a wonderful woman named Jody told us about her decision to release her baby girl for adoption. 19 years later, she wept as she described being wheeled out of the hospital without a baby. Yet amidst the pain, something beautiful was born! Her beautiful, perfect baby was placed with a loving family! Jody's decision benefited not only herself, but the baby and the adoptive family. It struck me that a painful, gut-wrenching decision exploded in love, showering everyone involved with joy and wonder!

To our shock and amazement, Jody then invited that very same baby up to speak! Her birth daughter, Lisa, joined her on the panel, along with her adoptive mother, Kathy. To see Lisa (now 19) sitting between her biological mother and her adoptive mother was truly amazing! She described what it was like to reconnect with her birth mother later in life and what that relationship looked like. One thing was clear: there was no confusion about who her Mom was. She identified Kathy as her Mom and had clearly bonded with her; her birth mother, Jody, was more like her new best friend.

Truly a wonderful day!

Turning a Corner

I believe we've turned a corner. In our last meeting with Gwyneth, she gave us a wake-up call, "...there WILL be a baby!" We had been struggling with the pain and the loss of infertility, but she encouraged us to mentally prepare for the day that we're matched with a family. She said, "you might have two weeks or you might have 24 hours...it's better to be ready when that call comes."

It was so affirming! We WILL be parents...there WILL be a baby! We don't know the timeline, but like so much in life, it's in God's hands!

It was time for action! I spent all last night ripping up the carpet in my former music room, and this morning, I pulled up the tack strip. Amy helped me with the crown molding and the ceiling tiles. As I look into what will be the nursery, I see the original hardwood floors and plaster ceiling. It's bare and empty. I wanted a blank canvas. I wanted to start over with that room; start fresh! Every day that I pass this empty room, I'll remember that we're waiting for a miracle!